These days there are more “spiritual” events in San Francisco than there are Starbucks. Perhaps this is a good thing: We don’t need more Starbucks! San Francisco has a long, rich history of exploring other worldly pursuits, spiritual self growth, mysticism, and the likes. Still, it seems as though the commodification of spirituality has become – Dare I use the buzzword? – especially toxic.
As I’ve dabbled in various sound baths, nature baths, yoga (hot yoga, goat yoga, weed yoga…) and dance classes, over the years, I’ve encountered a common theme – young people who felt lost, found pieces of spirituality from another culture and transformed their life missions and careers into that of healers, shamans, life coaches, or gurus, in a very short amount of time. Some of these folks are putting in genuine effort to learn and grow in a healthy, skeptical, compassion-centric way. Most are simply not ready to be leading others on a journey they have barely scratched the surface of themselves.
While I celebrate anyone on a journey toward self love, improvement, and helping others, we should be cautious when engaging with people who, at best, may not be ready to be leading others on spiritual journeys and, at worst, may be causing harm. This engagement isn’t just an entertaining palm reading at the county fair.
On a recent “full moon forest bath” I attended, the well-intentioned young woman who was leading the bath, or as I call it – having grown up in the mountains – HIKE – asked the group to share very vulnerable parts about themselves. As some of the participants, who I had never met before, started to share some very personal trauma, I realized the facilitator was in no way ready to perform a group therapy session or handle a situation where someone’s emotions got the best of them or triggered others. And frankly, that’s not what I signed up for. Thankfully, despite someone beginning to overshare, things didn’t spiral too far out of hand, thanks to others in the group. Another time, I attended an “ecstatic dance” event, and I couldn’t help but notice the creeper vibes from the “spiritual,” burning-man-fashionista men, some of whom were quite obviously there to get touchy with women they perhaps had difficulty attracting in “real” life.
If you even dip a toe into the “spiritual” waters of instagram and other social media platforms, the algorithm gods will bombard you with endless money makers designed to lure in emotionally vulnerable people seeking answers. Some of these experiences, low-level cults, apps, etc. are led by “gurus” who rake in millions and millions of dollars by simply spouting off tasty, word salads composed of snippets of “wisdom” from various religious traditions. The dressing? An addicting mixture of of self-help, toxic productivity, and toxic positivity. With a little digging, you’ll find a long roster of fame-obsessed “gurus” who are intertwined with right-wing governments, homophobia, sexual abuse, and beyond. It’s so rampant that I found it almost charming when, recently, a lady in Chinatown handed me a pamphlet for a cult leader (Master Lu of the Guan Yin Tang Culture Centre). She even asked me to come inside to watch a video. Old school!
I say all this as someone who recently took on the tongue-in-cheek moniker Botoxed Buddhist on social media, so I guess I should explain. I’ve been studying Buddhism in various formats and venues since my late teens. Some personal codes of ethics: First, I will never claim to be a shaman, healer, or guru. Second, any time I give a mindfulness or other “tip” rooted in Buddhism, I’ll do my best to give credit to the teachers I’ve learned from – teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dalai Lama, Pema Chodron, and so forth. People may ask, isn’t that a paradox – to be so vain as to get Botox, or be into skincare and makeup, and call yourself a Buddhist? Yes, that’s the point! Finding your middle path, being able to sit with life’s paradoxical tensions, doing the work to reduce your attachment to things, including your own ideas of aesthetic beauty, is part of the “right intention and right effort” the Buddha taught in the eightfold path. Having a little fun, laughing at ourselves… it’s a good thing.
Here are 4 warning signs of toxic spirituality.
- It doesn’t pass the SNL skit/Onion smell test
If your spiritual event, guru, or center is so drenched in new agey buzzwords that it reads like an onion article or sounds/looks/behaves like an exaggerated SNL skit, you may be in toxic spirituality territory.
- Your teacher is a young white dude with dreadlocks (cultural appropriation?).
Cultural appropriation is a difficult topic. All people fuck up sometimes. And, there are white people who do honor their teachers, step back and step down when necessary, engage in strategic anti-racism efforts, and so on. Some questions around cultural appropriation are difficult to answer. Is it OK for a white spiritual leader to wear the ceremonial clothing of a culture they were not raised in? What if they received that clothing from someone from within that culture, as a blessing or gift, and was asked to wear it in their honor? Sometimes we have to sit with these uncomfortable questions instead of making snap judgements. Still, we should always be aware that there are many people, of particular concern, white folks, who are quick to take and share from other cultures, and not so quick to learn and listen.
In my experience, one does not necessarily have to be old and wise or of a certain culture to cultivate a nurturing space for spiritual growth. I’ve experienced amazing facilitators who do not make lofty claims to be healers or coaches, but rather simply facilitate a great learning experience that honors and uplifts the wisdom of those who have truly put in the work. Spaces in which deep trauma or vulnerabilities are going to be shared or plant medicine is going to be consumed, should be facilitated by professionals with solid experience.
- It’s entirely about self “growth” and “improvement.”
When spirituality or mindfulness is marketed to you as solely a way to achieve your own goals and dreams, to make more money, to grow your career, to be happy… it’s empty.
Further, while there can be benefit in practicing a positive outlook in these dark times, “spirituality” rooted entirely in “manifesting” what you desire can be dangerously delusional, encourage unhealthy attachment, and uphold individualistic ideologies, denying the reality that we are all interdependent.
Cultivating compassion and selflessness should be at the center of true spiritual growth. Don’t get me wrong, that does not mean you neglect love and compassion for yourself. As RuPaul famously says today, and the Buddha taught thousands of years ago, you can’t love someone else without loving yourself.
It’s a bonus that modern scientific research has confirmed time and again that cultivating compassion for others and being of service to others is incredibly healing and beneficial to one’s self.
- It’s all about escaping and blissing out.
This is a big misconception about meditation and mindfulness. Although at times it can feel this way, mindfulness is not an escape, not a drug, and, in my personal opinion, not to be used to get you “naturally high.” The same goes for spirituality in general. This mentality can generate a habitual form of spiritual bypassing in your life.
While there is a time and place to deal with certain things going on in your life, and there’s nothing necessarily inherently wrong with the occasional bliss out, generally, in Buddhism anyway, we do not seek to escape from or fight off difficult feelings or circumstances. We sit with them. We engage with them with curiosity. We work through them.
Isn’t all spirituality and all religion toxic?
I used to think so, but now I don’t. I like this question. We should sit with it. Meditate on it. Is it the religion? Is it the culture, the context? Is it human nature? Can anything be toxic?
Help! I’m in a toxic spirituality vortex, what should I do!?
I’ve been in these situations more times than I can count. Look, I don’t deny that I enjoy the soothing sound of crystal bowls, a good yoga class, and a trip to the woo-woo naked hot springs spot.
After all the red flags I’ve presented above which may have inspired a caricature of “other” in your mind, the next thing I’m going to say is going to seem a bit at odds. When you’re in a situation that’s full of red flags it helps to practice suspending judgment, and focus on two things: your breath and compassion for those around you, including the facilitator. Very gently following your breath (It’s not for everyone. Gently is the key word.) can help you stay grounded.
When compassion for others is your core practice, your guide, it’s a win win for everyone.
*Photo: Celeste, an alter ego of mine, is part of a performance art piece to draw attention to toxic spirituality while also poking fun at and exploring some of my own tendencies toward some of the Goop-ish side of things.
